‘How long have you been away from home?’ I asked an army friend.
‘Thirteen years,’ he replied.
And to myself, I said, How could anyone be away from Guam for 13 years? It’s simple really. When was the last time you checked on ticket prices to an island half way around the world? Imagine the expense for a college student from the lower end of the middle class.
So it began, the winter of 1993. I started college at the University of Oregon, away from my family, away from Guam, and very mahȧlang. In Chamorro, mahȧlang means homesick. My parents bent over backwards to bring me home in the summers of 1993 and 1994. During my second full year of school, I decided that I would wait to go home. I didn’t want to ask my parents for another $1,800 ticket. And even with my multiple jobs as a college student, I couldn’t afford that ticket, not after paying for rent, books, and food. I could wait three years to go home. Truth was, I was very mahȧlang listening to JD Crutch, and cooking Guam food. I almost left college in 1995 without graduating. But I realized how hard my parents were working to send their oldest child to school. So I stopped listening to Chamorro music, and focused even more on my studies.
It was the summer of 1996, and low and behold, I had only one year of college left – then I fell in love with a Chamorro boy in the army, got married, graduated, and was whisked away to Germany. I cried almost every day my first year overseas. What did I do? I was supposed to go home!
In the span of 20 years, I had been to Guam only three times – 1999, 2006, and 2013. The pain in my heart, in my very being, gave life to my cookbooks, ‘A Taste of Guam’ and ‘Remember Guam’, and my novel, ‘Conquered’. My mahȧlangness was the fuel that fed my writing fire.
During my sophomore year at Simon Sanchez High School, I felt I had a destiny with my island. It was in 2006, while I was working on my cookbooks and my novel that I realized exactly what I was meant to do. And that was to write about Guam. If I had returned to Guam, I wouldn’t have been mahȧlang, and I wouldn’t have written my books.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve built my website, Paulaq.com, and my supporting social media presence, because I am very mahȧlang. Denial works sometimes – that I’m OK being away from home. However, writing about Guam keeps me connected to the land and the family that raised me. Writing has proven to be more productive and useful than hiding from the pain.
Fortunately, I’ve been home twice within the past three years, and am now able to continue that trend. I’m still homesick, but the pain is more bearable.
While I’ve been working on another Guam food book on and off since 2012, I thought I was done writing novels. Yet she calls to me. Her plight. Her fight. Her struggle to reclaim what was taken by colonizing forces, ‘Write for me. Let your love now feed your writing fire.’
From whatever island you are from, embrace your love and your homesickness. Allow it to help you share and preserve the richness of your heritage.